Is this progress?
My life partner just triggered me again with his financial abuse he's doing a great job of doing BuT tHiS iS cOmPaSsIoN! No, seriously, this is specifically triggering, because as I just identified being mindful while my anger is triggered, this is more brianization
Brianize (v) - when you cause the problems you hit your child for
This stirred to mind just as other shit my compassionate life partner has done that is literally indistinguishable from narcissistic manipulation has stirred up imagery of getting six spankings for peeing my pants waiting for my dad to finish masturbating in the bathroom, this example is about a time shortly after my dad sold the Cadillac so he could piss my mom's life insurance money away to one-up his mom, when he lost a shitload of money in the stockmarket and his gold digger addiction.
I was standing in the kitchen entryway while he held a cigarette in his fingers while shitting in my soul, about how ungrateful and irresponsible I was, just like my diseased whore of a mother; what nerve I had back then! But he's talking about stocks, and y'know even back then, with my mother's intuition, I knew he was throwing his money away. And I'm silent as I heard all the bad things I caused in the world, but I see his fucking cigarette is half ash, and he sees me see it, and it pisses him off, and he flicks it out of his fingers, saying he doesn't care.
Well, given how hard he smacked me in the head and how long he took away video games, I would say he did, in fact, give quite a big shit about setting the kitchen tablecloth on fire. Likewise the reason I didn't feel comfortable telling him I needed supplies for an English project that led to me getting a D and him slamming my head into the car window, as happened at some frequency.
And I guarantee these were just another day for him. He doesn't remember it at all. I remember him doing what I now know is gaslighting when I was sixteen or seventeen and the conversation around a board game led to him telling me the DAY HE DESTROYED EVERYTHING MY MOTHER EVER MADE ME never happened. Oh, I must have imagined it. What she made me. It must have all been a dream.
BUT WAIT! When he kicked me out of his house to be homeless (for three years!) for breaking the microwave and having a panic attack upstairs to put a hole in the wall because I knew hell was coming for the microwave, he ACKNOWLEDGED he did that...by saying how he hated that *I* made him do that.
Hang on...I just had a realization! Lemme copy paste these texts I sent him last.
1)
Oh, you misunderstood me. I'm prescribing you being uncomfortable, as that IS the medicine. I learned that in that "cult" that was really a government reconditioning program that rewired my dopaminergic pathways so video games are no longer fun. Why I write so much, and I'm grateful because, I don't know if you remember this, but I had that breakdown in college where I told my ROTC cadre that my sister got me pregnant, because Klinger, obviously, and the reason I had that breakdown where I faked schizophrenia is because when my mother died, instead of my father getting me therapy or ANYTHING, he jumped on an eighteen year old after my mother passed away. I bet that was real good sex when you had me sit by myself in [Redacted] apartment with her ballsack cat that attacked me while I was in there and you yelled at me.
But as far as progress goes, I confronted my negligent, narcissistic father who is so fucking dense that this is now the FOURTH FUCKING TIME I TOLD YOU THAT I FAKED SCHIZOPHRENIA BECAUSE I JUDGED YOUR WRATH MORE OF A THREAT THAN THE UNITED STATES MILITARY, you dense log.
But I love you, which is why I forgive you will how uncouth your reveal that a beloved family member died that I knew was in Florida because I talk with my family and I lost contact with her again because homelessness, which was the best thing that ever happened to me before [Redacted].
But this is bizarre to you? As in, this is so outside of normal that you cannot parse any meaning from it because you're prejudiced against your own son? Yea, that is how I was trained.
It's not the CIA, it's the FBI. I naturally perform a role for them as they are always listening to my phone because I had some significant fuck ups along the life I've had to live with literally zero parental guidance since my one died.
Note: I said guidance, as in, what wisdom have you ever spoken to me? What life lessons have I learned because of you? You sent me a reply to an email once which was the best you can do because the thing about the brain is it only uses the parts you use, and so I understand what you send me all the time is what you THINK love is, because that's what your parents taught you, and you're still defining your whole life by them because somehow that's the thing that pisses off most about what I've sent.
There's this thing called dazzle camouflage. I just like as I do ever do i say I am the thing of all the workd as good be at are was and you think that I don't do shit like that intentionally to see where you are, objectively - there's a cornerstone to ethics - in your own spiritual healing.
When's the last time you saved a person's life? For me, it was last Tuesday. Cuz I perform this role - I don't have a job because I lose my shit every day [Redacted] is doing what he does so I don't do what I learned from you and starting spitting venom when I'm slightly miffed about something - and for this role, I authentically express myself as a "schizoaffective*" person, and this catches people who resonate with what I say and go on to excavate, which you were supposed to when I made that "whirlpool" as I've been taught to get you to go digging to find out what I genuinely do with my life, but you're prejudiced against your own son, so everything I say gets thrown away before you're even done reading it.
*I tell doctors what the military industrial complex does to me, completely totally honest about what I experience, and they listen about as close as you do to understand this isn't psychosis you dense log.
2)
Maybe if I keep repeating myself, it will click in that dense log's mind that he hurt someone and takes no responsibility for his actions. Even now, your brain is going overdrive to flatten me in words instead of even caring about me. It was more important that you're right than you care.
3)
For clarity, I thought [Redacted] was going to be my new mom. I thought they all were. Maybe Learn what empathy is
4)
[Redacted]
5)
And I don't know if you do that weekly occurrence where you get upset before work and made [Redacted] cry fairly frequently, or if you're aware you even did/do that, but you seem like the same person as when I last saw you in person. Nice slope.
6)
Oh, I just remembered something. You remember when you sent me that video of my one race that was just before [Redacted] was born. Yea. I didn't have many positive family memories at that time of my life to form those type of neural connections to be excited about remembering that. Who knew? Maybe you would have thrown [Redacted] away too. Or which way did your relationships fail, I don't remember; I was so young when I lost my mother five times. Or HoWeVeR mAnY tHeRe WeRe
7)
Is your mom dead? Nah, obviously not, you'd be celebrating her passing for a year. I would mourn yours, but then again I CHOOSE to do the spiritual work to heal, so I am not like my father before me. I would never throw you away, or if you were in need I'd offer my shoulder to cry on and all the words I can muster. I have fucking beg you for any of your "wisdom."
8)
Oh, the reason I am disabled is my emotional dysregulation. [Redacted] is helping immensely in that facet, making me extraordinarily uncomfortable as he does things a negligent father would do to trigger me, and each time I let go of those traumas even more. I invented this word, brianizing, which is concisely defined as when you hit your child because they pee'd their pants because you were too busy jacking off in the bathroom, but that's just a fun example I use to describe the long-standing patterns of my childhood. I was too young to know what masturbation was back then, but the idea stands that there was at least one time you gave me six HARD spankings because I pee'd myself because you were in the bathroom.
9)
I got you the Hitchhiker Guide books because of something I was reading in the third book at the exact same time you were regaling others with your 85er* theory. What was the one book I showed you? The one of the Syracuse author I met and talked with about this exact scenario, where you were bitching at me for something and I handed you this book, Speak, and you said the most God awful thing that was the epitome of why I showed you that book.**
...
*y'know, he said the bottom 85% of the population, intellectually, could be wiped out, and it would not effect the top of the food chain
**This is a bluff, but that night I showed him Speak did happen. Lotta Assemblage 23 that night.
But is this crazy? I don't know. He's not talking to me. That's fine. I'll be there for him whenever, even in that restaurant at the end of the universe called Heaven, where he will be in the Hell he created for himself.
Pic related: it's me in a trash can with my women's jacket, cute purse, and Peppermint, my pink penguin plushie friend that was with me all through my time living outdoors. I was bringing awareness to homelessness while authentically expressing myself as my superiors on up to God taught me to do.
Brianize (v) - when you cause the problems you hit your child for
This stirred to mind just as other shit my compassionate life partner has done that is literally indistinguishable from narcissistic manipulation has stirred up imagery of getting six spankings for peeing my pants waiting for my dad to finish masturbating in the bathroom, this example is about a time shortly after my dad sold the Cadillac so he could piss my mom's life insurance money away to one-up his mom, when he lost a shitload of money in the stockmarket and his gold digger addiction.
I was standing in the kitchen entryway while he held a cigarette in his fingers while shitting in my soul, about how ungrateful and irresponsible I was, just like my diseased whore of a mother; what nerve I had back then! But he's talking about stocks, and y'know even back then, with my mother's intuition, I knew he was throwing his money away. And I'm silent as I heard all the bad things I caused in the world, but I see his fucking cigarette is half ash, and he sees me see it, and it pisses him off, and he flicks it out of his fingers, saying he doesn't care.
Well, given how hard he smacked me in the head and how long he took away video games, I would say he did, in fact, give quite a big shit about setting the kitchen tablecloth on fire. Likewise the reason I didn't feel comfortable telling him I needed supplies for an English project that led to me getting a D and him slamming my head into the car window, as happened at some frequency.
And I guarantee these were just another day for him. He doesn't remember it at all. I remember him doing what I now know is gaslighting when I was sixteen or seventeen and the conversation around a board game led to him telling me the DAY HE DESTROYED EVERYTHING MY MOTHER EVER MADE ME never happened. Oh, I must have imagined it. What she made me. It must have all been a dream.
BUT WAIT! When he kicked me out of his house to be homeless (for three years!) for breaking the microwave and having a panic attack upstairs to put a hole in the wall because I knew hell was coming for the microwave, he ACKNOWLEDGED he did that...by saying how he hated that *I* made him do that.
Hang on...I just had a realization! Lemme copy paste these texts I sent him last.
1)
Oh, you misunderstood me. I'm prescribing you being uncomfortable, as that IS the medicine. I learned that in that "cult" that was really a government reconditioning program that rewired my dopaminergic pathways so video games are no longer fun. Why I write so much, and I'm grateful because, I don't know if you remember this, but I had that breakdown in college where I told my ROTC cadre that my sister got me pregnant, because Klinger, obviously, and the reason I had that breakdown where I faked schizophrenia is because when my mother died, instead of my father getting me therapy or ANYTHING, he jumped on an eighteen year old after my mother passed away. I bet that was real good sex when you had me sit by myself in [Redacted] apartment with her ballsack cat that attacked me while I was in there and you yelled at me.
But as far as progress goes, I confronted my negligent, narcissistic father who is so fucking dense that this is now the FOURTH FUCKING TIME I TOLD YOU THAT I FAKED SCHIZOPHRENIA BECAUSE I JUDGED YOUR WRATH MORE OF A THREAT THAN THE UNITED STATES MILITARY, you dense log.
But I love you, which is why I forgive you will how uncouth your reveal that a beloved family member died that I knew was in Florida because I talk with my family and I lost contact with her again because homelessness, which was the best thing that ever happened to me before [Redacted].
But this is bizarre to you? As in, this is so outside of normal that you cannot parse any meaning from it because you're prejudiced against your own son? Yea, that is how I was trained.
It's not the CIA, it's the FBI. I naturally perform a role for them as they are always listening to my phone because I had some significant fuck ups along the life I've had to live with literally zero parental guidance since my one died.
Note: I said guidance, as in, what wisdom have you ever spoken to me? What life lessons have I learned because of you? You sent me a reply to an email once which was the best you can do because the thing about the brain is it only uses the parts you use, and so I understand what you send me all the time is what you THINK love is, because that's what your parents taught you, and you're still defining your whole life by them because somehow that's the thing that pisses off most about what I've sent.
There's this thing called dazzle camouflage. I just like as I do ever do i say I am the thing of all the workd as good be at are was and you think that I don't do shit like that intentionally to see where you are, objectively - there's a cornerstone to ethics - in your own spiritual healing.
When's the last time you saved a person's life? For me, it was last Tuesday. Cuz I perform this role - I don't have a job because I lose my shit every day [Redacted] is doing what he does so I don't do what I learned from you and starting spitting venom when I'm slightly miffed about something - and for this role, I authentically express myself as a "schizoaffective*" person, and this catches people who resonate with what I say and go on to excavate, which you were supposed to when I made that "whirlpool" as I've been taught to get you to go digging to find out what I genuinely do with my life, but you're prejudiced against your own son, so everything I say gets thrown away before you're even done reading it.
*I tell doctors what the military industrial complex does to me, completely totally honest about what I experience, and they listen about as close as you do to understand this isn't psychosis you dense log.
2)
Maybe if I keep repeating myself, it will click in that dense log's mind that he hurt someone and takes no responsibility for his actions. Even now, your brain is going overdrive to flatten me in words instead of even caring about me. It was more important that you're right than you care.
3)
For clarity, I thought [Redacted] was going to be my new mom. I thought they all were. Maybe Learn what empathy is
4)
[Redacted]
5)
And I don't know if you do that weekly occurrence where you get upset before work and made [Redacted] cry fairly frequently, or if you're aware you even did/do that, but you seem like the same person as when I last saw you in person. Nice slope.
6)
Oh, I just remembered something. You remember when you sent me that video of my one race that was just before [Redacted] was born. Yea. I didn't have many positive family memories at that time of my life to form those type of neural connections to be excited about remembering that. Who knew? Maybe you would have thrown [Redacted] away too. Or which way did your relationships fail, I don't remember; I was so young when I lost my mother five times. Or HoWeVeR mAnY tHeRe WeRe
7)
Is your mom dead? Nah, obviously not, you'd be celebrating her passing for a year. I would mourn yours, but then again I CHOOSE to do the spiritual work to heal, so I am not like my father before me. I would never throw you away, or if you were in need I'd offer my shoulder to cry on and all the words I can muster. I have fucking beg you for any of your "wisdom."
8)
Oh, the reason I am disabled is my emotional dysregulation. [Redacted] is helping immensely in that facet, making me extraordinarily uncomfortable as he does things a negligent father would do to trigger me, and each time I let go of those traumas even more. I invented this word, brianizing, which is concisely defined as when you hit your child because they pee'd their pants because you were too busy jacking off in the bathroom, but that's just a fun example I use to describe the long-standing patterns of my childhood. I was too young to know what masturbation was back then, but the idea stands that there was at least one time you gave me six HARD spankings because I pee'd myself because you were in the bathroom.
9)
I got you the Hitchhiker Guide books because of something I was reading in the third book at the exact same time you were regaling others with your 85er* theory. What was the one book I showed you? The one of the Syracuse author I met and talked with about this exact scenario, where you were bitching at me for something and I handed you this book, Speak, and you said the most God awful thing that was the epitome of why I showed you that book.**
...
*y'know, he said the bottom 85% of the population, intellectually, could be wiped out, and it would not effect the top of the food chain
**This is a bluff, but that night I showed him Speak did happen. Lotta Assemblage 23 that night.
But is this crazy? I don't know. He's not talking to me. That's fine. I'll be there for him whenever, even in that restaurant at the end of the universe called Heaven, where he will be in the Hell he created for himself.
Pic related: it's me in a trash can with my women's jacket, cute purse, and Peppermint, my pink penguin plushie friend that was with me all through my time living outdoors. I was bringing awareness to homelessness while authentically expressing myself as my superiors on up to God taught me to do.