Having a shit phase am Iš«”
So idk if this the right place to post my rant, but oh well. But how long are bad phases supposed to last? I am 18M in a conservative south asian society and the last year has been pretty atrociousš
. It started with:
I had a cousin/teacher who I was very close to (she was my cousin and also a teacher who taught me in school). So by the time I was in grade 12 I used to depend on her a lot because I dont rlly have siblings or friends (friends as in emotionally supportive ones). But she got married last year and her husband had serious trouble with us talking because āits not good for societyā. Now at that moment I was not sure whether to cry or laugh my ass off because bro essentially self reported that he spends too much time watching shady stuff on the orange website.
Anyway but I am a person with naturally very low neuroticism so I went on with my life, which was about to get tougher with all the college shit here in south asia. I worked very hard for the entrance exam here, but I was woefully unprepared. I fucked it up. Felt miserable but anyway again I tried to keep moving. But I couldnāt find any college as my friends kinda ghosted me at the last minute (they were like we will go to a private college together). So I spent all those months from april to august essentially just being miserable. I just learned some FreeCAD and did some writing which I liked.
So after that I decided to take a gap year to work hard for the exam again. Idk what was my rationale for betting on 100:1 odds (yeah those r the odds here of getting a good college with the entrance exam). But I just did because I bought into the āhardwork pays offā propaganda. So anyway I naturally failed after still working my ass off and burning out. I did not even try after the January attempt (the first paper happens in January. And second in april) because I literally couldnāt open a math problem without crying. So i gave up there. However i Had pretty good highschool marks and a decent skillset + I wrote very good SOPs and tried applying to international unis where i thought i might have a chance. But got ghosted there as well (i need a scholarship which r way more competitive than standard admissions ig, the west is out of question for that reason anyway). There r a few left but I am no longer betting on any chances. I will ATP just get any clg I get accepted in here.
Another part of struggle is that I hate being hereš«”. I do not use stuff like instagram or snapchat so I am not even comparing. But i feel when ppl say to just feel the world they come from the west or places in the east like japan and korea where the baseline is so high it cud be my retirement. Here u cant see any sunset because the air is fucked. U cant take a peaceful walk because sidewalks dont exist and if u arent paying attention u will get launched into orbit by an SUV and nothing will happen they will run away. You cant go to a park because the good ones are far and cost money and the local ones are essentially gambling spots and if u get caught there its social suicide. So I am just stuck at home all day rotting in bed, where a successful day for me is just a day that has passed. While my mom yells at me for being a failure for wasting a year and not getting a good rank in the competitive exam.
Ah man im coming across as rlly pissed offš«£ but i am just more exhausted. I dont seem to have the motivation for anything. I tried to do stuff I like. Speedcubing, photography. But even brushing seems like a chore to me. The only thing that makes me feel something is music. Funny thing I actually wanted to learn bass since forever. But i cant because people here think āmusic is devilā so I have just been waiting forever once I get to college then I will learn.
Its not all doom and gloom. The āfriendsā I do have we can hang out smtms and makes me feel better for a little while. Plus i do have one frnd who is a bit emotionally supportive. But she is a girl, i am a boy. So we cant hang out or even call. We just talk on text. Plus she has many frnds and teachers to help her so I dont want to bother them eitherš
Its a really long post hereš tbh I initially thought I wont post from my main account because I didnt want to. But i simply ran out of patience to want to submit applications on instances to let me in before I can rant on online forums. I might prolly just nuke this account later ATP. But right now its just whatever. I hv noticed m also rlly apathetic these days. I seem to not care about anything much. I just feel m too exhausted. Just hope this long slog smhow passesš«” I get anywhere tonstart again. I also recently had an accident on my scooter when I went crying from home because my big brother (i know i said i had no siblings. I meant practically, he is there but he might as well not be all he does but s make me mad just) yelled at me and i was in a bad state. SoI did a rookie move and decided not to abide by my theory class lessons to not drive emotionally, and yeah got into an accident and totalled my scooter. So i cant drive as well. Its taking forever to
Fix it coz the whole chassis is gone. Thankfully i survived that. The law of large numbers lmao. Life keeps fucking me
Up so it also pays back smtms by not transferring me to an ICU.
So yeah lifeās fuckedš«” a long slof since 4 months and another 4 months left.
I had a cousin/teacher who I was very close to (she was my cousin and also a teacher who taught me in school). So by the time I was in grade 12 I used to depend on her a lot because I dont rlly have siblings or friends (friends as in emotionally supportive ones). But she got married last year and her husband had serious trouble with us talking because āits not good for societyā. Now at that moment I was not sure whether to cry or laugh my ass off because bro essentially self reported that he spends too much time watching shady stuff on the orange website.
Anyway but I am a person with naturally very low neuroticism so I went on with my life, which was about to get tougher with all the college shit here in south asia. I worked very hard for the entrance exam here, but I was woefully unprepared. I fucked it up. Felt miserable but anyway again I tried to keep moving. But I couldnāt find any college as my friends kinda ghosted me at the last minute (they were like we will go to a private college together). So I spent all those months from april to august essentially just being miserable. I just learned some FreeCAD and did some writing which I liked.
So after that I decided to take a gap year to work hard for the exam again. Idk what was my rationale for betting on 100:1 odds (yeah those r the odds here of getting a good college with the entrance exam). But I just did because I bought into the āhardwork pays offā propaganda. So anyway I naturally failed after still working my ass off and burning out. I did not even try after the January attempt (the first paper happens in January. And second in april) because I literally couldnāt open a math problem without crying. So i gave up there. However i Had pretty good highschool marks and a decent skillset + I wrote very good SOPs and tried applying to international unis where i thought i might have a chance. But got ghosted there as well (i need a scholarship which r way more competitive than standard admissions ig, the west is out of question for that reason anyway). There r a few left but I am no longer betting on any chances. I will ATP just get any clg I get accepted in here.
Another part of struggle is that I hate being hereš«”. I do not use stuff like instagram or snapchat so I am not even comparing. But i feel when ppl say to just feel the world they come from the west or places in the east like japan and korea where the baseline is so high it cud be my retirement. Here u cant see any sunset because the air is fucked. U cant take a peaceful walk because sidewalks dont exist and if u arent paying attention u will get launched into orbit by an SUV and nothing will happen they will run away. You cant go to a park because the good ones are far and cost money and the local ones are essentially gambling spots and if u get caught there its social suicide. So I am just stuck at home all day rotting in bed, where a successful day for me is just a day that has passed. While my mom yells at me for being a failure for wasting a year and not getting a good rank in the competitive exam.
Ah man im coming across as rlly pissed offš«£ but i am just more exhausted. I dont seem to have the motivation for anything. I tried to do stuff I like. Speedcubing, photography. But even brushing seems like a chore to me. The only thing that makes me feel something is music. Funny thing I actually wanted to learn bass since forever. But i cant because people here think āmusic is devilā so I have just been waiting forever once I get to college then I will learn.
Its not all doom and gloom. The āfriendsā I do have we can hang out smtms and makes me feel better for a little while. Plus i do have one frnd who is a bit emotionally supportive. But she is a girl, i am a boy. So we cant hang out or even call. We just talk on text. Plus she has many frnds and teachers to help her so I dont want to bother them eitherš
Its a really long post hereš tbh I initially thought I wont post from my main account because I didnt want to. But i simply ran out of patience to want to submit applications on instances to let me in before I can rant on online forums. I might prolly just nuke this account later ATP. But right now its just whatever. I hv noticed m also rlly apathetic these days. I seem to not care about anything much. I just feel m too exhausted. Just hope this long slog smhow passesš«” I get anywhere tonstart again. I also recently had an accident on my scooter when I went crying from home because my big brother (i know i said i had no siblings. I meant practically, he is there but he might as well not be all he does but s make me mad just) yelled at me and i was in a bad state. SoI did a rookie move and decided not to abide by my theory class lessons to not drive emotionally, and yeah got into an accident and totalled my scooter. So i cant drive as well. Its taking forever to
Fix it coz the whole chassis is gone. Thankfully i survived that. The law of large numbers lmao. Life keeps fucking me
Up so it also pays back smtms by not transferring me to an ICU.
So yeah lifeās fuckedš«” a long slof since 4 months and another 4 months left.